Is being Jealous…Toxic?

I have heard many creators on Booktok and read much fan fiction on AO3 that glamorizes the idea of a jealous and possessive partner.

 I have even looked for that in old partners of mine and considered a way for someone to show me love. 

On other occasions, I felt jealous whenever my partner showed interest in others and acted in unacceptable ways because of it. 

But still, my partner found it adorable and maybe indirectly encouraged it. 

Jealousy is regarded as toxic behavior for some and a sign of love by others…I say it is both.

Let me Explain.

Wanting your partner’s attention is a normal part of any relationship. We feel connected with our special someone and want to spend time with them and share moments of our lives. Jealousy makes us feel angry and anxious whenever this connection is threatened by others. 

When I remember past experiences of jealousy, they all stem from a fear of abandonment. I didn’t want my partner to speak to other girls because I felt that he was giving them attention instead of me.

•  Does this put me and her at the same level of importance in his eyes? 
• Does this mean we are getting the same level of affection?
•  what if she gets more than me? What then?

Of course, this spiral of thoughts comes as a single feeling. Most of the time I didn’t give it much thought and sprung straight to the action, Accusing my partner of not caring for me, ordering them to stop talking to the girl, and even saying things I fully didn’t mean. 

Sometimes I would get pacified with some sweet words and promises, and sometimes my partner would fight back, which made me feel like my fears were real, and created an even bigger problem. 

So What should I do?

Am I not allowed to feel jealous? Is it true that jealousy is toxic?

Feelings of jealousy are inevitable, and demonizing yourself for feeling them is unrealistic everyone feels jealous sometimes! It is human nature. 

But the ways we act on our jealousy are what truly makes it toxic or not. 

When you feel jealous try to reach out to your partner and ask for reassurance.

 Instead of accusing them and saying things like

•  “Why do you always talk to X”, 
• “You don’t care for me!”, 
• “If you like them so much go talk to them then!” 

and other nonsensical words, try to express how YOU feel: 

• “When I see you talk to X I feel unloved and uncared for”,
•  “I fear that you care about X more than me and I want to be reassured”
• “I feel like I want to be special in your life and when I see you hang out with X I don’t feel that way”

Such expressions will minimize the damage and put your partner’s mind into a problem-solving mindset instead of a defensive mindset. 

Of course, this is easier said than done. But everything requires practice. 

Next time you feel jealous, try to take some time before speaking to your partner about it. Recognize the patterns of toxic behavior:

• The silence treatment
• passive -aggressiveness
• Verbal or physical abuse 

When you feel inclined to act that way, it is time to tell your partner that you do not feel very capable of speaking about the issue right now and ask for some time to reflect. There is no shame in feeling like you want to do something bad, but that doesn’t mean that you have the right to harass your partner. 

While taking some time for reflection, try to journal, talk to yourself using a mirror, or reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Do not say hurtful things about your partner to the person you are reaching out to or tell them about sensitive secrets. The objective is to analyze your emotions and get ready to discuss your feelings with your partner.

Once you are ready apply the suggestions mentioned earlier. 

If you are faced with hostility from your partner or you feel like they are trying to make you jealous intentionally, then your partner might have some problems they need to work on as well. 

That is all for today’s blog. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey!